MY COMPASS; ROSE
These last few days, suspended in a state of grace, I’ve been seeking to reconnect with MEANING… a feeling that is much easier to grasp for now, than when I was wallowing in my own victim mentality. It’s amazing what a little bit of let up and reprieve can do for an oppressed spirit. The perspective shifts that can occur, as light breaks through at the end of what seems like a never ending tunnel, are profound. It’s like literally walking through The Valley of The Shadow of Death, and undergoing a thorough life review the closer one gets to The End.
And then, suddenly, a full sense of ownership begins to flood one’s awareness. We reencounter all of the choices we’ve made along the way. Perhaps we would have made some, or a lot, of them differently if granted the chance. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?
I’ve spent the entire last decade learning the lessons of Humanity - my own, and everyone else’s I’ve been wronged by others, and I’ve wronged other too. I’ve made a ton of poor choices, mostly in the name of survival, escapism, or “a good heart”. And, although I deserve a life lived at the bottom due to all the “mistakes” I’ve made, somehow I am sitting here right now surrounded by miracles. And it is in this state of obvious mercy, that I am the most humbled, and able to see my own role that I’ve played in my own sufferings clearer than ever before.
I am changing from the inside out, because it’s obvious to me that Someone greater than my own Self had to be looking out for me the entire time. I am also humbled by the obvious perfection, and balance that had been divinely ordained for me throughout this process, as well. And I know that whatever demonic oppression was allowed to be over me for a time was within the confines of divine structure - teaching me more discernment, and necessary discipline in my life. And although I am still in the process of learning and integrating these new growth patterns, the awareness has certainly been struck - and that’s the greatest key to lasting change.
My heart is expanding in this process too, because now I can see just how everything I’ve come up against has done nothing but help me grow overall. Deep gratitude for Divine Chaos, despite my aversion to it now. I acknowledge the developmental role that it’s played in my life, and I take ownership of my past, present and future in extreme honor of it. And I keep my gaze firmly fixed on the Prince of Peace - the SN of God, as my frequency and tone of attunement.
And so- after the last 3 decades of falling gradually into the deepest pit of despair, my eyes now well adjusted to the darkness, I see just how many of us have fallen down here to the bottom with me. It’s in these humbling moments of recognition that I am able to reconnect to a sense of “Meaning” and “Purpose” for being here beyond my own self, and my son. Empathy can break us, yes, but it can also be the note that calls us forth into healing and becoming. And this is exactly the reason why the Stars and Angels Fall.